Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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