I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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