And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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