ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
