if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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