The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
