I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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