I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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