I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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