You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
