me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Randomize
