Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
