Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
