Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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