see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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