if you like me you must not know who I am
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
