It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
