god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
