i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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