I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
