there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
