I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
