I'm lost and stupid without you.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
