I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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