Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
