4 words: hood of his car
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
