After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
