he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They left me at home... I'm a liability
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
