i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
