I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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