first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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