Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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