I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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