my sisters under your porch take her home
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize