Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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