remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
