Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
