he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize