Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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