I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
