I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
