remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
