I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
