I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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