I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize