Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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