I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
