then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
