I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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