In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
