she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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