Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
