Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
