im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I woke up under a house in Key West
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
